From Miscarriage to Majesty-Praising my Rock
It's been a while...so much has happened since February! I wanted to talk a little bit about our experience. This is a little abnormal for my blog, but I wanted to share somewhere and so here we go!
We found out in early May we were expecting. We were super excited! I always have a hesitancy in the beginning and just want things to get rolling so we can get to the anatomy scan which is often a huge relief for Momma. Well, this was not the path we were going to have. After 10 days of ups and downs and unexpected bleeding and dozens of desperate prayers, we lost our little Zion at 8 weeks. Losing a child that has been growing inside of your body is a strange and difficult type of grief-it is unlike any other grief I have experienced and I can't even really explain why. I kept thinking "I can't believe this is happening! We were going to have our December baby, just like I dreamed of...I was so sure that's what God had...how could this happen? Will we have more children ever? Will I miscarry again? What if we can't get pregnant again?" and on and on and on the questions buzzed.
I was in a fog for a few days...would have 1-2 minute cries and then return to life as normal. I would have moments of victory, and moments of seemingly defeat. But as our friends and family began praying, we could sense God's peace in a mighty way. I truly felt so close to Him-loved, cared for, cherished...and began to really let His permanence sink in.
He was the same God that I was praising when we had Judah. He was the same God I was praising when He spared Oliver's life and let us keep him here. He was still the same. My circumstances had changed, but NEVER my God. Oh what peace-what comfort that brought me, and still does! He's not dependent on or swayed by our shortcomings, our questions, or our storms...He's right there on the boat; in the middle of our storm. Right with us. And though it may look to us like He's sleeping, and we may feel we must frantically wake Him or we will die, it's not necessary. He has no limits-no bounds. He is fully capable of handling my hurt and fully able to understand.
1 month later we found out we were pregnant again. We rejoiced! We thought, okay. We had a setback and lost a precious baby but are ready for another! A few days later, history repeated itself. I was now a mother of 4...2 babies here and 2 now with the Lord. My pain came in waves...overwhelming one second and seemingly okay the next. Certain things triggered thoughts...I had to cancel appointments, tell a few close friends we had lost our baby again, more blood work, more tests, more phone calls...I began to feel like a loser. What was wrong with my body? Why is my body killing my babies? Will it ever be fixed? What if it happens again? And there was my Rock-solid and steady saying "Im still here, I'm still able, I'm still in control." Those arms of love embraced me once again, comforting me in a supernatural way.
I didn't question God's goodness but embraced it as the truth I know it to be. And it changed me. Those sweet little babies short lives taught this Momma to cling to God always-and to let Him embrace me. To bask in His unchanging, all-powerful nature and to sense His presence all around me. Their little lives left a mark on me that will be there forever...I ache to see them. I wonder what they will be like, what their personalities will be, and how exactly God fashioned them. I long to hold them and love them but also know they are in the best care they could ever have and are eternally safe now. I miss my babies. No one will replace them. But we long and pray for more children and lay our hearts at the feet of Jesus, waiting on His perfect answer.
I don't know what storm you are facing but allow God to breathe life into through the power of His word and His nature. The confidence and sureness we find in Him is unparalleled. We were so blessed by the love and prayers of friends and family. It is hard for me to accept that from others but it was a beautiful thing when I allowed myself to pause and take it all in. The family of God is so special and so unique. I konw this is a hodge-podge of thoughts but I hope it encourages just one. It was good for me to share my heart. If you are dealing with loss, there is hope, peace, and comfort found in our Heavenly Father. He is everything-He's my Rock.
We found out in early May we were expecting. We were super excited! I always have a hesitancy in the beginning and just want things to get rolling so we can get to the anatomy scan which is often a huge relief for Momma. Well, this was not the path we were going to have. After 10 days of ups and downs and unexpected bleeding and dozens of desperate prayers, we lost our little Zion at 8 weeks. Losing a child that has been growing inside of your body is a strange and difficult type of grief-it is unlike any other grief I have experienced and I can't even really explain why. I kept thinking "I can't believe this is happening! We were going to have our December baby, just like I dreamed of...I was so sure that's what God had...how could this happen? Will we have more children ever? Will I miscarry again? What if we can't get pregnant again?" and on and on and on the questions buzzed.
I was in a fog for a few days...would have 1-2 minute cries and then return to life as normal. I would have moments of victory, and moments of seemingly defeat. But as our friends and family began praying, we could sense God's peace in a mighty way. I truly felt so close to Him-loved, cared for, cherished...and began to really let His permanence sink in.
He was the same God that I was praising when we had Judah. He was the same God I was praising when He spared Oliver's life and let us keep him here. He was still the same. My circumstances had changed, but NEVER my God. Oh what peace-what comfort that brought me, and still does! He's not dependent on or swayed by our shortcomings, our questions, or our storms...He's right there on the boat; in the middle of our storm. Right with us. And though it may look to us like He's sleeping, and we may feel we must frantically wake Him or we will die, it's not necessary. He has no limits-no bounds. He is fully capable of handling my hurt and fully able to understand.
1 month later we found out we were pregnant again. We rejoiced! We thought, okay. We had a setback and lost a precious baby but are ready for another! A few days later, history repeated itself. I was now a mother of 4...2 babies here and 2 now with the Lord. My pain came in waves...overwhelming one second and seemingly okay the next. Certain things triggered thoughts...I had to cancel appointments, tell a few close friends we had lost our baby again, more blood work, more tests, more phone calls...I began to feel like a loser. What was wrong with my body? Why is my body killing my babies? Will it ever be fixed? What if it happens again? And there was my Rock-solid and steady saying "Im still here, I'm still able, I'm still in control." Those arms of love embraced me once again, comforting me in a supernatural way.
I didn't question God's goodness but embraced it as the truth I know it to be. And it changed me. Those sweet little babies short lives taught this Momma to cling to God always-and to let Him embrace me. To bask in His unchanging, all-powerful nature and to sense His presence all around me. Their little lives left a mark on me that will be there forever...I ache to see them. I wonder what they will be like, what their personalities will be, and how exactly God fashioned them. I long to hold them and love them but also know they are in the best care they could ever have and are eternally safe now. I miss my babies. No one will replace them. But we long and pray for more children and lay our hearts at the feet of Jesus, waiting on His perfect answer.
I don't know what storm you are facing but allow God to breathe life into through the power of His word and His nature. The confidence and sureness we find in Him is unparalleled. We were so blessed by the love and prayers of friends and family. It is hard for me to accept that from others but it was a beautiful thing when I allowed myself to pause and take it all in. The family of God is so special and so unique. I konw this is a hodge-podge of thoughts but I hope it encourages just one. It was good for me to share my heart. If you are dealing with loss, there is hope, peace, and comfort found in our Heavenly Father. He is everything-He's my Rock.
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